“Practice self-discipline and keep emotions under control. Good judgment and common sense are essential.” John Wooden on Self-Control
I’ll admit that the Baby Boomer in me was annoyed by Coach Wooden’s admonition to practice self-control by keeping emotions under control. After all, the whole emotional thing was one of the things that caused a big rift between our generation and our parents’ generation. We wanted to feel our emotions instead of just “sucking it up.” But, as I dug deeper, I realized that he wasn’t telling us to be robots. He was telling us to avoid emotional drama–the peaks and the valleys–so that we can be successful. We can’t always control what happens to us but we can take precautions so that we are prepared when things happen. And, more importantly, we can almost always control how we react to situations. Optimists are generally healthier, happier, and more successful than pessimists. Remember, optimism isn’t “fake happy” but rather an attitude.
I used to have friends who were drama queens. There was no middle ground when it came to emotions. Everything was either over-the-top happy or life-isn’t-worth-living-anymore depressing (Note: I’m not talking about those with bi-polar disorder). Drama queens suck the life out of other people with their runaway emotions. When I began disengaging myself from their drama, I discovered that they weren’t really attached to me…just my energy. They found new people to suck into their runaway-drama-filled-emotions.
As homemakers, we set the emotional tone for the family. I believe it is important for us to feel our emotions but not let them control us. When our emotions control us, we aren’t able to see a situation clearly and often make poor decisions that we end up regretting (and, believe me, I’ve got my fair share of regrets caused by out of control emotions). By being in charge of our emotions, we can help those around us learn how to cope and deal with negative emotions while also helping them realize that we don’t feel happy, happy, joy, joy all of the time (despite what advertisers would have us believe).
This campy little Coronet Educational Film, from 1950, teaches teenagers that they can be in charge of their emotions rather than letting runaway emotions ruin their day. It is based on Behaviorism but, even though I’m in the Cognition camp, I think it holds some valuable gems.
Control Your Emotions (13 minutes)
Click here if the video player doesn’t work for you
I enjoyed the Coronet film, and think it is a good topic. I am always impressed by people who embody “Contentment”. I think this topic relates to Wooden’s descripton of Confidence – Knowing what to expect. When the teen separated from his emotions and could see better with a little distance that it was not the end of the world that the soda spilt, he knew he could expect to still be a part of his gang of friends even if he wasn’t his image of the perfect funny guy.
I think you bring up a good point about how we can become used, when we let our emotions get away with us – we imagine we are in control, but are we being controlled?
No, because the world is a crazy place and people can be really rude – I think it is really important to try to make home a peaceful place. but, when someone is really rude to you in public – what do you do? This happened to my friend the other day at a coffee shop – someone said something really rude to her. She didn’t retaliate, but later did recount the episode on facebook. What’s the best way to respond to hostile stimuli and keep our emotions in check?
Ann, that is a good question. And, actually, you’ve seen me in action when I’ve encountered extreme hostility from someone (the woman at the retreat who just didn’t like me and tried to derail the workshop on the impostor syndrome). I don’t know if I handled it the best way but as the scene was going on, I tried to remind myself that the woman’s hostility wasn’t about me…it was about her and I just happened to be the lightening rod for her anger/hostility.
One trick I’ve come up with is to create a “eggshell” around me. It is a meditation that I do where I visualize an eggshell of pure and perfect love surrounding me. The great thing about an eggshell is that it is, in fact, a membrane that allows good stuff to come in but protects the egg against the bad stuff. I have found that this visualization enables me to react in a neutral manner to toxic emotions emanating from other people….95% of the time. Such as when someone is rude being able to give them the “really? is that behavior necessary?” non-confrontational look before walking away unscathed. But, there are still times that we do get burned and that is where having a good support system and recognizing that we need to get the toxicity out of our system ASAP instead of ruminating on it (e.g., having to go over the scenario again and again and again).
I read a book while in grad school that pointed out that NO ONE else forces us to react the way we do to a situation. It is always our choice.
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Another great vintage Coronet film that actually relates to today…
I like your eggshell analogy/visualization technique. When I started thinking more positively I noticed the jerky people started staying away from me and I began to attract more like-minded people to me…birds of a feather flock together as the old saying goes. Miserable people love hanging out with other unhappy people because they have someone to complain to.
Thanks for your comment on my blog….you and Barbara are right…the most important thing I’m looking for in a relationship is someone who will accept me for being me (and as my hairdresser recently pointed out, there are tons of guys out there that are into Star Trek, so she thought having a love for retro/vintage pop culture was hardly a dealbreaker.) My friends accept me for being me (and I accept them for being them) so yes, I absolutely deserve a man who is the same.
Fortunately I don’t meet hostility often. It seems to me the trick is not to take it personally — which is what you said.
I didn’t know the generation gap between baby boomers and their parents was an emotional thing! Imagine being a baby boomer raised by people old enough to be her grandparents — my scenario. While I didn’t think of it in terms of emotions, I did sometimes feel as though I was not allowed to be a child. There will always be these observations. I’m sure my upbringing has served me well.
And yes, my mother (and some others I have known of her generation and before) did not approve of emotionalism, if by that we mean showing weakness in public. We are to show our inner strength. No crying in public. If you’re grieving, stay home. Never mention someone’s loss or speak in a way that would cause that person to cry in public. Don’t wear your heart on your sleeve, etc. And yet, my mother was a very sensitive person but also a private person.
I think, too, that people can be really rude, and I believe much of our television programming is built on rudeness, and the fact that we allow this means that we’re desensitized — or becoming so.
Dr. Julie – I like the egg visualization, and I am sure I will have opportunities to put it into practice!
I am embarresed that I did not ‘get’ what was going on at the retreat talk you gave – I focused in on what that person was saying, which was astounding to me, that she did not have any insecurities, and I did not see she was really trying to disrupt your talk. I think you handeled the situation so smoothly I did not sense any hostility from you at all – I just thought she was sort of very aggresive and intense. This is a good lesson for me though – to look at the big picture – especially when someone is trying to derail me – I should not (which I always do) focus in on their motives – I can focus on creating boundaries and being proactive. Thanks for carlifying this for me. Ann